A small epiphany.

I just had one of those moments. The ones where you brain clicks together and you feel sane again.

Recently I have not felt good. Not happy, not stable and not myself.

(Even the time spent with my boyfriend was slightly tarnished by my brain constantly and obsessively telling me he would be leaving soon.)

I know that sounds dramatic, and maybe it is, but unfortunately it is how I’ve felt. And I think those feelings have been emphasised by the fact I ‘shouldn’t’ be feeling them.

After all, this is the time of my life, right?

~

So I spent all today sat in a café, trying to work out why I’m unhappy and what I can do to make myself happy again.

I have so much time here to think, and of course to be with my old friend, the 'overthink'.

It was only after I got home, felt deflated by my lack of productivity in the ‘being happy’ department, casually messaged some friends about visits and cooked my pasta that I had a small epiphany.

~

A few weeks ago I made a calendar on my laptop (which I tend to only do when I’m really busy so I can see big chunks of time and deadlines etc.) in which I can see every day up until May, and being the dreamer I am thought I would try and fill up as much time as possible arranging visits from my family and friends. Not only to see people and catch up and have a nice time (and give them cheap holidays hehe) but to give myself lots of things to look forward to, and not feel so sad when having to say goodbye to people.

I realised that this is exactly what would make me happy. Even if they’re just potential plans that end up not materialising (although I really hope they do) the idea of them makes me happy enough.

~

One thing that is making me unhappy is having so much time. I know, I’m crazy, I live in a beautiful city in Italy and have lessons one or two days a week and all this time to spare. The introvert in me squeals with happiness at this prospect and mostly I am enjoying time alone. But honestly, the reality of so many months with hardly anything to do and no close friends to do it with can be really overwhelming and daunting.

‘Go and make some friends then!’ I hear you cry. Well, truth be told I’m pretty crap at it. I often feel I’m not properly being myself when I meet new people and unless I really get on with them I tend to hide back in my shell and avoid it. I have met some lovely people here, but because a lot of them arrived so much earlier than me they already had their own friends and could speak Italian, and somehow I just couldn’t slot myself in.

So, tonight, after I messaged my friends about their potential visits, I realised my calendar was slowly filling up, leaving me with probably just the right amount of time to do work, have my own alone time which I will properly appreciate, and have time with my new flatmates and any other social things.

And that, my friends, was when my pasta almost bubbled over, just like my excitement, when I felt a small pang of happiness and positivity again.

~

To be continued…

I am going to follow up this post with more about using the time of a year abroad, as well as the reasons for choosing to do it in the first place.

Ps. I apologise for 2 posts in one day and complete lack of consistency but these posts just happen when my brain and hands want to type them :)