Homesickness

I haven't planned out this post, and I'm just going to write it all as it comes. So, grab a cup of tea and settle down for some incoherent rambling...

I didn't think I would write about homesickness - I thought I was all tough and strong and a big girl now. The only time I felt really homesick was the first day I arrived, which I figured was due to tiredness and the initial everything-is-new-and-weird panic. But I slept it off, and have been fine ever since.

This past week my boyfriend came to visit. It was the most lovely week I think we've ever had together and seeing him was such a relief after the build up of counting days and getting through a month apart.

However, today he left and I'm now experiencing the same homesickness I felt on my first day. I woke up this morning and just thought: 'I could actually get on the plane with Tom today, and stay in England until after Christmas and I'm not sure anyone would mind, care or even...notice?'. Obviously, I was never going to do that, (because as my mum reminded me, the rent is paid now...) but it definitely made it harder saying goodbye, knowing that I could go with him, in theory, but I wouldn't and shouldn't. And it was kind of worrying that I was genuinely considering it.

The homesickness I feel today isn't really about being away from him (sorry love) because I'm going to see him as well as all my family in about 20 days which is not far away. It's more like feeling fed up; I feel like I've had the honeymoon period of my year (at least this bit before Christmas - after Christmas things will probably be different) and now I'm just bored and don't have much purpose to my days.

I was thinking about all of this and feeling frustrated and sad, but ended up talking to another Erasmus student from Newcastle who is studying in Paris. After sharing experiences we both agreed it was really nice to hear that someone else understands the hard parts of being abroad and the homesickness that can get in the way sometimes.

I think this post will sound quite negative, but I want it to. I didn't realise until now but I think it's really important to also show the crappy side of a year abroad, and that's what I'm writing this whole blog for - anyone who wants to know what the everyday stuff is like, whether it's good or bad.

It's so so easy to dress it up and make your year look amazing. Many people have told me they're jealous, commented on my pictures and so on. And yeah, when I look through it all myself, it does look beautiful and fun. And it is, most of the time. But sometimes sadness springs itself upon you, just like it does at home, and let me tell you, it's a lot harder to get rid of when you don't have your own bed and your closest friends around you to cheer you up.

And the thing that makes it harder is I don't feel I can ever say this stuff, because it's my year abroad, I live in Italy, it's beautiful and an amazing opportunity. But unless you actually live in it and experience all the tiny things that can build up and get to you, it can look as sugar coated and beautiful as you want to make it look on Instagram (yes, guilty as charged).

I've discovered that my homesickness comes with physical symptoms too. That may sound really dramatic, but from what I've heard and felt, it's a real thing. The few times I have felt a bit homesick, I've had stomach aches, nausea, feeling very anxious and on edge, and a weird or non-existent appetite.

I even Googled today (I was desperate) any other stories of homesickness to see how I could get rid of it, but all the advice was the same and it was things I'd already tried and failed with. For example, talking to people from home, using technology, going out and making friends, cooking nice food. This just didn't help me, so I'm giving myself some advice:

1. Talk to people from home. Ok, yeah this one does work.

2. Mope. Just absolutely embrace the sad feelings, whinge and moan to yourself or someone who you know will listen, and accept that it's fine and normal to feel homesick, or just sad for no reason.

3. Count down the days until you're returning home. If it's too many to think about, plan a Skype and count down to that. If you can't Skype much and have crap internet like me, return to numbers 1 and 2.

Obviously, the other things mentioned do work too and are probably slightly healthier ways of dealing with homesickness, but right now, this is what is helping me. You have to remember, whether you're abroad or not, it's ok to be sad sometimes. In fact, let's quote Jessie J, cause she's bloody great, 'It's ok not to be ok'.

I hope this will be my only post about homesickness, cause it's not something I want to feel too often to be honest. But I have posts coming up about my week with Tom, more 'Things I've learnt this week' and 'Things I'm excited to go home for' - this last one probably being the most fitting follow on from this post...!